Ape is on the phone with his mommy, telling her there’s nothing to eat at work, and asking her to bring him something, and that he’d really appreciate it. I am not kidding. Because a 40 fucking year old man didn’t bring himself lunch and can’t figure out why there isn’t any here. The fucking food faeries must be off today. Idiot.
I have a friend that has been my friend for many years. But she’s delusional. She calls herself a Trophy Wife, but she’s not married to anyone rich, and no guys hit on her. She’s very high maintenance but in a white-trash sort of way.
Trophy Wife has some serious personality issues, too. Like the time she called me out once in front of my husband for something I did in high school. But it’s not something I would ever have told my husband about. It had to do with sneaking a boy into the house. She does things things at inappropriate times, and it pisses me off, because I do not need someone causing anymore drama than I’m already having to deal with.
Recently, we had a family issue that I confided to her about. I don’t post anything public on Facebook, but she made a comment about the family issue on my page so that everyone could see it. I felt like I was having to scold one of my children, who are not even that stupid, for doing something like that. And this is how she replies:
O good grief………………………..! Ok ok , I think this was a bit blow up. But ok what ever you want . It could of been an inside joke between 2 friends and if some one wants over think it on there end. Then they have a dull since of humor, and should not assume it was a negative or political or illegal classification.. That’s fine
From now on, I’m going to post her business right here on my blog, bad grammar and all. She doesn’t know anything about it.
I think Ape is still on one of those dating sites and right now he’s in a fight with someone, but I don’t know if it’s a man or a woman, because the name is “Pat”. He left it in plain view so of course I looked.
Pat: where the fuck are you
Ape: I’m running late
Pat: pussy bitch
Ape: the last thing I am is a pussy bitch
There was a 6 year old BRATTY little girl by the store the other day. She kept pushing the cart and slamming into her mom, and her mom kept saying please stop, and the kid would say NO I WANT TO EAT and then SLAM the cart into her mom again. Her mom finally grabbed her by the arm and whisper-yelled at her to stop it, but she kept doing it anyway.
So I said: I hope Santa Claus isn’t watching!
Her mom said: I hope he is!
The brat said: NO HE’S NOT! …and she slammed the cart again.
I said: Well I’m going to call Santa Claus.
Then I got out my cell phone and pretended to call him. She hid behind her mom and started crying. I was laughing my ass off.
I asked the brat her name, and the mom said: BROOKE.
So I went on telling Santa Claus how Brooke wasn’t listening to her mom, etc…and then I said: What do you think, Santa Claus?
Should we give Brooke one more chance?
She peeked around her mom at me, but she was giving me the evil eye.
When I left, her mom said: Thank you!
He’s hacking all over my air space. I told him to cover his mouth, and he said: I do be.
Then he was open mouth breathing all over my air space, so I started spraying lysol every time he walked by. He laughs like it’s funny, and I am not kidding.
There’s a woman at my church that dresses like a prostitute. I think she IS a prostitute. Last week she was bragging about her boyfriend buying her the car of her dreams. I’m imagining her in a Corvette, because she has that big Texas 80s hair dyed platinum blonde, she’s crackhead skinny, and she’s not pretty or ugly, just plain. She was wearing a micro mini up to the crotch bandage dress. Her spanx were hanging out the bottom. And she had on sky high cheap stripper stilettos with purple glitter toenail polish. She looked like she was going to a dance club. In the 90s.
At some point we were supposed to face the audience raise our hands high above our heads. I know everyone must’ve seen her crotch when she did that, because I could see some of the men turning their heads. Pigs.
I went to Walmart, and I’ll spare you all the problems, and just tell you the main one. First I found a helpful employee! I asked where the over the shelves were, and not only did she know, but she offered to take me to them! She pointed and sarcastically said: see, right under the big sign that says paint.
I sarcastically said: HA HA! Yes!! Because that’s where the bathroom shelves are always kept!
Then I spent about 30 minutes or more picking out a shelf, paint brushes, and a paint color. I tell the guy in the paint section: I want to get some paint mixed.
He looks at me like I’m nuts and says: You can’t get paint. Our mixer is down.
I said: FUCKING WALMART!
He just goes back to doing nothing, and I say: Well are they fixing it??
He says: yeah….I guess so.
I say: Oh for god’s sake!!
And I throw down the paint brushes and color paper and I take the shelf out of my cart and leave it at the paint station, and I go with my giant ass oversized Walmart cart to the check out with a toothbrush and nail polish.