Everything in this building is breaking. The elevator hasn’t been working for months. Then the elevator “repair” guy comes – a different guy from last time but with the same company. He tells me there’s nothing wrong with the elevator and people must not be pushing the buttons hard enough.
I said: WHAT?? So you’re saying when you’re riding in the elevator and it slams to a stop and the doors won’t open and you can’t get out and the elevator won’t move, that you think it’s because someone didn’t push a button hard enough?! Is this a joke?
He said: It’s working fine.
I said: I think the elevator stopped for you on the first floor.
He didn’t get it.
Ape and his mom
I guess ape took his dog and spent the night with his gf at the house he pays for her and her kids to live in. He showed up at work with his dog, then called his mommy to come get it, then asked her to go to McDonald’s for him and bring him some food. He was 30 minutes late to work, so I think he could’ve taken the dog home himself and gotten his own food. I detest such helpless men.
I can’t escape the telemarketers. Some call center guy who sounded from India just called.
I was talking over him at the same time he was talking, because this is what I do to annoy them now. So he starts going “you speaka engleesh?”
I said: you speaka do not call list?
He hung up.
Ape: is there any way to turn the ac on, it’s kind of hot in here.
Me: what do you mean is there any way to turn it on? is it broken or something? It’s already on.
Ape: no I’m just saying I’m hot.
Me: well you’re wearing a sweatshirt, aren’t you?
Ape: yes I am. I’m just telling you I’m hot.
Me: Ok, got it. (he’s NOT hot)
He goes in and turns down the ac and comes back and stops at my desk and…
Ape: is today thursday?
Me: (stare at him)
Ape: well is it? is today thursday?
Me: why are you asking me? can’t you look at a calendar?
Ape: you can’t tell me if today is thursday?
Me: I’m sure you can figure it out.
Ape: yeah you’re right I can. Sorry for asking you ANYTHING!
and he stomps away.
My favorite site today:
An old man driving a beat up red pickup with a completely cracked and smashed up windshield, tipping back his tall can bud light as he drove slowly down the road. Reminded me of Sanford and Son.
Tomorrow I’m going to sit in the store parking lot and watch all the unemployed (insert race here) people go shopping in their new clothes and matching sneakers.
I swear to god… Ape is in the back running off at the mouth, with one story after another about himself. What he likes to eat with rice, where he went to daycare, what he thinks about some football player, why he thinks some plane crashed, he doesn’t like steak marinade, how he remembers the a place being
built and where he lived at the time, how much he can get shoes for at a store, what cable service he might get, what he’s going to start wearing to work to look more professional, what his ex used to complain about, how his gf is using the dining room for a closet, what time he got home last night, where he’s going to eat tomorrow night…seriously just on and mother fucking on, all about him yadda yadda yadda.
You know how most people will ask did you have a good weekend? He’ll walk in and go: So I had a good weekend! Then he’ll start telling all about it.
This is what I hear right from my office desk right now:
A street preacher with a megaphone outside by the bank
Ape whistling loudly
Breeder’s classic old man rock music
A machine that sounds like a vacuum cleaner
A dog barking nonstop somewhere outside
All competing at once to assault my ears, my brain, my world. STFU