Breeder is back from a trip and he can’t stop talking about the “girl” he was “talking to” in a bar while he was there. He told me he had 3 beers and was drunk and started dropping his phone while he was talking to her. He’s telling the mumbly kid how she was young and he’s just carrying on telling Mumbly their whole conversation in the bar. He thinks he’s such a stud, and he’s sooooo not. He’s a 43 year old Breeder with no muscle tone, a live-in gf with 4 kids, one of them his, and several other kids with other women in another state, a very balding head, and he talks like an uneducated 17 year old street thug. What a catch!
This describes my work day – everyday
Ape’s quote of the day
“It’s every girl’s dream to be a beauty queen.”
He’s such a delusional fuck.
Another telefucker
A stupid telemarketer calls and I hear loud call center noises, she can barely speak English: eyyo maam? dees ees tick suppors
I said: I don’t even know what the fuck you’re saying but I’m on the do not call list.
Then as I go to hang up, I hear her repeating softly: da nad cull lit.
Getting back at Ape
Ape decides to go to McDonald’s this morning and says he is getting breakfast for himself and the guys, and do I want anything. So I say I want a small coffee, and I give him a dollar. He comes back with a large coffee for me.
He says: I got myself a large, so it was just easier to get 2 large.
I say: Ok (even though I do not want a large).
Then he says: So you can just toss in another dollar… I’m not worried about it today, just whenever you have it… Well you know what? Even better, just hang onto it, and then if I’m short one day and need it, I’ll just get it then.
(Seriously?!?!)
I said: I’m not giving you another dollar.
He says: What? Well ok fine that’s fine but the large coffee is at least a dollar more.
I said: I didn’t ask for a large coffee, I asked for a small, which is what I paid you for… But I tell you what, I’ll just drink 1/2 of it then give you the rest.
He says: What? No I don’t want it, I already have one. Just forget it, just forget it.
I said: Well I’m going to Taco Bell later today (I’m not really), so do you want anything?
He says: NO! (like he’s all pissed)
I said: Well I’ll get you something anyway, then I’ll let you know how much it costs, but you don’t have to pay me today, you can wait until Monday.
He says: You know I was trying to do something nice by getting everyone breakfast. Just keep the dollar, Anna, I don’t care.
Ape’s new face
Much better looking than Ape.
Things are weird at my work today. Really? No kidding? Yes indeed.
Ape came in about an hour ago and said he’d been at the dentist. Then he must have forgotten he told me that, because then he said he had Restylane in his forehead. I am cracking up that this 40-year-old loser that calls his mom to bring him lunch is having these procedures. I wonder if he will look less like an ape?
I couldn’t find Breeder to fill out some paperwork, then Gump tells me: he’s on the lobby couch sleeping.
WTF!
Elevator idiot
Everything in this building is breaking. The elevator hasn’t been working for months. Then the elevator “repair” guy comes – a different guy from last time but with the same company. He tells me there’s nothing wrong with the elevator and people must not be pushing the buttons hard enough.
I said: WHAT?? So you’re saying when you’re riding in the elevator and it slams to a stop and the doors won’t open and you can’t get out and the elevator won’t move, that you think it’s because someone didn’t push a button hard enough?! Is this a joke?
He said: It’s working fine.
I said: I think the elevator stopped for you on the first floor.
He didn’t get it.
Helpless Ape and his mommy
Ape and his mom
I guess ape took his dog and spent the night with his gf at the house he pays for her and her kids to live in. He showed up at work with his dog, then called his mommy to come get it, then asked her to go to McDonald’s for him and bring him some food. He was 30 minutes late to work, so I think he could’ve taken the dog home himself and gotten his own food. I detest such helpless men.
Telemarketer of the day
I can’t escape the telemarketers. Some call center guy who sounded from India just called.
I was talking over him at the same time he was talking, because this is what I do to annoy them now. So he starts going “you speaka engleesh?”
I said: you speaka do not call list?
He hung up.
Ape the idiot attention whore
Ape: is there any way to turn the ac on, it’s kind of hot in here.
Me: what do you mean is there any way to turn it on? is it broken or something? It’s already on.
Ape: no I’m just saying I’m hot.
Me: well you’re wearing a sweatshirt, aren’t you?
Ape: yes I am. I’m just telling you I’m hot.
Me: Ok, got it. (he’s NOT hot)
He goes in and turns down the ac and comes back and stops at my desk and…
Ape: is today thursday?
Me: (stare at him)
Ape: well is it? is today thursday?
Me: why are you asking me? can’t you look at a calendar?
Ape: you can’t tell me if today is thursday?
Me: I’m sure you can figure it out.
Ape: yeah you’re right I can. Sorry for asking you ANYTHING!
and he stomps away.
Things I see on my lunch break
My favorite site today:
An old man driving a beat up red pickup with a completely cracked and smashed up windshield, tipping back his tall can bud light as he drove slowly down the road. Reminded me of Sanford and Son.
Tomorrow I’m going to sit in the store parking lot and watch all the unemployed (insert race here) people go shopping in their new clothes and matching sneakers.
Going to choke Ape
I swear to god… Ape is in the back running off at the mouth, with one story after another about himself. What he likes to eat with rice, where he went to daycare, what he thinks about some football player, why he thinks some plane crashed, he doesn’t like steak marinade, how he remembers the a place being
built and where he lived at the time, how much he can get shoes for at a store, what cable service he might get, what he’s going to start wearing to work to look more professional, what his ex used to complain about, how his gf is using the dining room for a closet, what time he got home last night, where he’s going to eat tomorrow night…seriously just on and mother fucking on, all about him yadda yadda yadda.
You know how most people will ask did you have a good weekend? He’ll walk in and go: So I had a good weekend! Then he’ll start telling all about it.
Would everyone please STFU?
This is what I hear right from my office desk right now:
A street preacher with a megaphone outside by the bank
Ape whistling loudly
Breeder’s classic old man rock music
A machine that sounds like a vacuum cleaner
A dog barking nonstop somewhere outside
All competing at once to assault my ears, my brain, my world. STFU
All about needy Ape
I was reading an article about types of coworkers that get on your nerves. It says the needy coworker will tell you everything about himself, from what he ate for dinner to what he watched on tv, and he will ask you questions he already knows the answer to, and he will act offended when you ignore him.
That is so totally ape!
Telemarketer of the day
Even though we have caller ID at the office, I still have to answer the telemarketing calls.
I answered and could hear loud call center noises, and this Indian guys says: Ello? I am cawling bout you mico soft compooot-er pwogam
I said: You have got to be fucking kidding me!
Indian guy: Noo I am nawt fawk-ingg keedding you.
Woman Gone Mad 