Goldfish memory

My husband is terrible at saving money. He tends to keep his one credit card maxed out. It’s caused a lot of problems in our marriage. I’m the one that makes all of the bill payments, including his credit card. So I bring it up to him again that he’s spending too much money on stupid shit and we can’t get ahead when he’s paying interest fees. So he tells me not to worry about “his” credit card.

Okay.

Now his payment is past due. He hasn’t made one in over a month. I finally brought it up to him last night. He said he knew it, but forgot, then figured I’d take care of it.

I said: well you told me not to take care of it anymore.

He said: I did?

I said: yeah, you said not to worry about your card anymore when I told you to quit putting charges on it.

He said: oh, so that’s how it’s going to work, is it? I will take over the finances from now on.

I said: yeah right. Nothing will get paid with your goldfish memory!

Breakfast nuisance

I got mad at him yesterday. We were supposed to take the kids for breakfast Saturday morning. I have to think of things like this because otherwise we will sit in the house all weekend and do nothing, ever. So he says yeah ok.

He’s such a picky eater that he won’t bother eating anything but pancakes if we go out, and he won’t do buffets. There are no iHops around or Pancake houses. So I spend 20 minutes on the computer finding a place that serves pancakes. I finally find a place.

He says: I don’t want to eat there.

I was pissed, said: Why not?

He says: They cook their french fries and fish in the same batter.

I said: Ten fucking years ago you had a French fry that tasted funny and now you won’t eat breakfast there?! You eat hot dogs at 7-11 for god’s sake! This isn’t about you. It’s for the kids. Suck it up and stop thinking about yourself for once.

He walks away and sulks. I end up taking the kids for breakfast by myself. By the time we got home he was eating a sandwich from 7-11.

Great parenting books for xmas

Great parenting books for xmas – look here:

http://theallegiant.com/six-inappropriate-childrens-books/?utm_source=taboola

I sent this link to all of my friends with kids, but none of them replied, which is even funnier.

Ape’s new roommate

I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but earlier this year, Ape’s wife left him. (Who could blame her?!!) That could explain why he’d been sleeping on the couch. He had his sister move in with him, but he must have pissed her off too, because she left.

Ape just insisted on taking a break with me, then blabbered about himself. He said his sister took off and doesn’t live there any more, so he got a roommate, “a little Spanish girl” who does cleaning at the Hilton. She’s going to get his house clean.

I said: Oh so she doesn’t pay rent?

He said: No, she pays rent and the deal is she’ll get it up to par and then I’ll keep it clean. It’s just overwhelming to keep it clean, I have a lot going on, espcially after my kid comes over, and all the mopping and stuff is just overwhelming for me.

I rolled my eyes and laughed and said: yeah it’s ‘overwhelming’ for me too, but you just get it done.

These fucking men are such loser helpless babies.

Got kids? Get Xanax.

All of my kids are grounded, which means I’m the one that’s really grounded. So I’ve stocked up on Xanax for the month.

Apparently, I received a voicemail from a teacher on our home phone a few weeks ago. But I didn’t actually get the voicemail, because our ever-so-intelligent 15-year-old angel deleted it. It seems he was overheard telling another student that he thought another teacher was a “MILF”. To think that my own son would refer to an older woman as a MILF makes me cringe in the same way Freddy Krueger’s nails across a chalkboard do. He is grounded for two weeks – one for deleting the message and one for being a dumbass.

Then my other son “forgot” to turn off the water spout outside, which happened to be on the same morning we left for a weekend trip to see Grandma. Our water bill was $1500. He has extra chores until he pays off his mistake. I don’t care if it takes him a year.

Our pre-teen daughter just got busted doing stupid shit on Facebook. I don’t understand why kids do stupid things, take pictures of each other doing it, and then post it online for the world to see. She is grounded until she’s 25.

Disgusting men at work

So this is the conversation I just heard in the from the other office:

Breeder: That girl I be talkin’ to is too much!
Ape: yeah why’s that?
Breeder: She be talkin about getting married and everything. She be one of dose.
Ape: Oh yeah, pass her on to me.
Breeder: She puerto rican and chinese.
Ape: Really? Wow! Yeah pass her on to me!

GAG!!!

Dear Clueless, I can’t talk now!

The other night while the kids were out I decide to “pamper” myself which consists of putting on lotion after a shower, putting on Crest Whitestrips, and polishing my nails. So I’m sittingnaked on the toilet, with whitening strips on my teeth, polishing my toenails. The phone rings and the husband says “do you want me to get that?”

I say: well I can’t talk now!

So he answers the phone anyway, and I hear him say: Let me see if I can find her.

WTF find me? Then he comes to the bathroom door with the phone in his hand and says “It’s Sharon”. And I don’t know any Sharon. I just about went ballistic!

I said “I don’t care if it’s god! I told you I cannot talk right now!”

So then I hear him tell her I can’t come to the phone. So I finish in the bathroom and I come out and I say: WHY did you
bring me the phone in the bathroom when I told you I can’t talk right now before you even answered it??

He says: I wasn’t bringing you the phone.

I said: WHAT?! You walked into the bathroom with the phone in your hand and said it’s Sharon!

He says: Well I just wanted to know what you wanted me to tell her.

I said: WHAT?! I JUST told you I couldn’t talk 10 seconds before you walked into the bathroom with the phone in your hand! Jesus Christ what is wrong
with you?!

He just turned on the tv and ignored me while I walked around shaking my head and muttering.

Husband’s wishful trust fund

We were invited to a party for someone we don’t even know, some woman turning 60. Totally out of our age range. I wasn’t interested in going because I have laundry and housecleaning to do. So my husband went. He said he’s been looking forward to going all week.

I said “but we don’t even know who it is.”

He said he just wants to meet new people. He thinks he’s going to find a new job by going to parties. Not sure it works that way.

So he gets all ready by putting on chapstick and brushing his teeth.

Before he left I said “don’t pick up any old women.”

He said “maybe I can be a trust fund baby.”

Don’t you have to be like 12 to be a trust fund baby and someone’s kid?

How my husband cleans

It’s already clean dumbass!!

My husband helps “clean” the house.

Well he tidies. He likes to put things in their place.

I’ve seen him “cleaning” the kitchen counter after dinner with water and a paper towel.

I get pissed when I just swept the kitchen floor, then I see him in there an hour later sweeping it and making a big deal about it, groaning like the broom is heavy. I yell in there “I JUST SWEPT THAT FLOOR, GO DO SOMETHING USEFUL LIKE CLEAN YOUR NASTY TOILET!!!!”

He just keeps sweeping, determined to find some dog hair or specs of dust to make a little pile and prove I didn’t do it as good as him.